Ah! the good days and the bad days

The good days and the bad days

There are days when I bask in your glory

Live for your love

Astounded by your greatness

Hear your word

Walk in complete faith

Complete peace

And then come the other days

When I dont listen

When I attempt to do all by myself

When life is to busy for some time with you

When life seems perfect and I really need nothing more

Yeah those are the bad days

And they go on and on

Days turn to weeks and some times months

I turn around and start from step one again

Each step again

Frustrated at my stupidity

And slightly amused at the fact that I thought I could do it my self

In the summer time... when the weather is fine...

So have not written for ages and I think its time to do a post on the happenings in my life. Pretty random post with out any major insights. Well that’s not true, while I was in Madurai giving my exams I did learn a few things apart from the reliability and validity of a test.

*I can be stubborn and stupid some times and usually end up doing what people told me to do in the first place. Yes non AC room in Madurai is not the best option
*I am a wuss, I hated it there and it was just for a few days but I wanted to leave every chance I got
*I am loved. I had people cheering me on, telling me I could do it and just making sure I did what I went there to do
*That people are comfortable enough to chill in my house when I am not there. Mi casa es tu casa
*Cell phones - an amazing invention. If I dint have text messaging - Madurai would have been unbearable
*I love buying shoes and can even find a pair I like in Madurai
*Really love being in Kodai - in my community - with my friends aaawww
(yeah yeah this isn’t a literary masterpiece!)

The interesting happenings in Maduari:
*The auto driver on day one offering me his comb when I asked him if he could take me to a place where I can buy a brush from.
*People thinking I am a foreigner - really me?? have you seen me... I am Indian and dam proud of it
*The examiner for my one exam
I enter the hall and he breaks into a stream of Tamil I look dumbfounded. He then ushers me to my seat and gives me the question paper. Once the exam starts he sits down next to me and proceeds to read my answer sheet for the whole exam. Bad enough he sits and reads my paper but he reads it under his breath and I can hear him.
Half way through the paper he asks for my id. Now the picture on the id is from over two years ago and I have really short hair. He then gets on to my case and says that I am not the same person. We spend 10 minutes arguing and then I go out to get my id card, which is not up to his satisfaction so I pull out my licence. He finally admits that I am the same person and I get down to my exam. He then sees me writing on attitudes, he exclaims "ah! attitudes, you know I did my thesis on attitudes!" I smile sweetly and get back to writing, he continues on asking why my hand writing was so bad and why I was not underlining the important points. Honestly man will you let me write my exams! He continues to read my paper and then asks me where I was from. Told him I was from Delhi - "arre no no, you are Sri Lankan" .. uumm no I am not "are you sure, you look Sri Lankan, are your parents Sri Lankan, you sound like a foreigner"
Any way he bugged me through out the exam and when I got up to leave he asked whether I would help him with some English work the next day! (only I get to meet random people like this!)

The interesting happenings in Kodai:
*Chilling to wee hours of the morning for 5 days straight after my stint in Madurai
*Sneaking out a paddle boast at 4am with C and paddling around the lake (and the others said it was too dangerous pah!)
*Taking care of intoxicated people haha
*Random stalker pestering me - Romio go get a life

That’s pretty much it, told you nothing really great was happening.
Vacation starts for me in a week’s time. Off to Delhi for a couple of hours and then off to Turkey for a week or so. Looking forward it. Hot air balloon ride over turkey - the highlight of the trip. And then I am back in Delhi - oh sweet Delhi how I miss thee. So who ever is in Delhi from the 21 of June till the 13 of July - give me a buzz.
Thats all folks!

A page from her diary

I told you what happened because you needed to know
I told you what happened because I needed to let it go
Over zealous attempts to protect me
Will not erase the past; these scars will not disappear
I’m still the person you knew
Yet you treat me like another
Don’t look at me differently
Don’t tread with trepidation
Don’t bristle at the words which sound crude and harsh
Because these are the words, these are the words of my past
But the question remains – as painful as it seems
Have my scars marred your view of me?
I told you what happened, because I thought you needed to know
I told you what happened, but I shouldn’t have done so

From 7200ft above sea level to 300ft above sea level and back for biryani!

We all do crazy / random things once in a while.
Wearing blonde extensions and walking around town
6 girls dressed exactly alike and going for a movie
Lying on top of a car and driving around the lake

But Kodai seems to be where random things happen on a daily basis. Like yesterday we drove down the ghats to a dhaba to eat biryani.

A two hour drive down
A 40 minute meal
A two hour drive back up!

Talk about desperation, to get off the mountain top.
12 people
3 cars
Good music
Great company
Happy birthday Billy Day!

I just realized how much I love road trips. Wish I could do more, but after yesterdays antics I wonder if dreads and hoops will ever allow me in a car with them.
It is dreads fault actually, as soon as he said Shreez dont sing, I just had too!

So just to end of with song and count your lucky stars you are reading the lyrics and not listening to my rendition of them..

Follow me Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Hidden within the shadows of night

Walking back home, late at night, it gives me time to think, contemplate the situation around me. Makes me observe what one usually gives no second thought.

I watched my shadow tonight

I know its mine

Looks like me, imitates my every move

But not my emotions

I walk with tears streaming down my face

But my shadow just goes on its normal way

I stare at the dark image of my head

Staring into the ground with such intensity

Hoping to peer in the darkness and see what I feel

But my shadow - says nothing, does nothing, feels nothing

This post does not make any sense, I am not making any sense, good night!

Save tonight and fight the break of dawn

I love entertaining
I love taking care of people, making sure they eat enough, always have a drink in hand.. just being hostess.. what to say i am a mum...
after ages had people over for dinner... apart from the fact that my maid ditched me and i was super stressed till all the food was ready i had a blast...
good company
great food
decent conversation
and some singing
what more could a girl want...
me a happy chiquita

Uh uh uh uh oh ooh --- Why'd you have to go-oh --- Away from home -- Me love

Things that make me smile:

Staying up till 4, because I want too
Waking up at 6, to get ready for work, because I have too
Going for late night drives
Playing random games in my house
Random arguments, which lead to google'ing questions to prove who is right
Blogging
Singing off tune and having no one care
People letting me sing off tune, cos they know it makes me happy
Dressing up and feeling great
Honest compliments
Talking to old friends
Making new friends
Cooking / baking
Inside jokes
Funny moments
Random notes on facebook
Pictures
Having people chill in my house
People being completely at ease in my house
Making fried eggs
Having a productive day at work
Superlatives on facebook
Laughing at my self and the stupid things I do (which I do many!)
and so many more.. to the people in my life, thank you... cos with out you, the memories I have would not exist!

flowing emotions

Time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much

Words from unchained melody (really nice song I must add) Not that the lyrics have much to do with the post today. I was thinking about how fast time flies. We are in March already – it seems like yesterday that I was sitting with IG, Papa Ramero, P Diddy and Blondie at TGIF. But now we are all back into our corners of the world and reality is back in my face.

Last Thursday this time I was pretty depressed. Actually bawling my eyes out and gasping for breath would be a more apt description. The week has gone by. Gone by quickly and slowly at the same time. Does that make sense?

The days have gone by quick, I guess that’s thanks to the running around and organizing I’ve been doing for the event on Saturday but the thinking / pondering / analyzing / contemplating I have been doing has made the week seem like a month.

Talking to P Diddy this morning I came up with another insight. Been doing a lot of that lately.
I don’t care a DAM what you think
I don’t care whether you like or hate me
I don’t care if you think I am the cause for every single thing going wrong
I don’t care if you think I am not good enough

You know why?
Because it’s your thoughts! Your view, your ideas, your issue!!

And I’ve stopped caring. I have stopped being scared. Stopped fearing some thing which is not true. You tried – you tried to break me, you convinced me I was no good.
Hell you convinced me that if any thing happened to ‘A’ it would be my fault.
That if death were to come knocking on the door – he would be thanking me for the referral!

You know what you almost got away with it. You pushed me, criticized me, belittled me till I looked at my self and felt disgusted. I was never good enough for any thing – never strong enough for any thing!

But today I stand up, because honestly you’re full of shit and you know it!

So you can push me all you like
Try to do what ever makes you feel happy
But I am going to stand my ground
I might have tears running down my face, my voice might me trembling but I am NOT standing down

Blast from the past with a dash of psychological input!

At the end of grade 11 my ‘friends’ suddenly decided they dint want to be friends with me any more. It would have been nice if they had told me. Instead they completely ignored me, whispered behind my back and basically were bitchy (like high school girls are!)

This treatment lasted for about 5 – 6 months. Can you imagine going to school, having people totally ignore you. And those who did speak to you – spoke like you were a condemned person. And the one person who I thought would tell me what was going on, looked right through me when I asked her a question.

Yeah high school girls can be a bitches.
Trust me I know.
I was one and have been on the receiving end as well.

I finally did find out what really happened. Some rumors were spread and instead of confronting me – my ‘friends’ just decided to ostracize me.

Things actually worked out for the best. I made new friends. People who thought I was a stuck up little twit got to know the real me and Blondie and I became best friends.

FYI – she was one of the people who totally ignored me as well

But the point of this post is not to crib about it. It all happened for a reason and I am glad it did. But it did have an effect on me psychologically.

I now have insecurities about friends. Especially close friends. The fear of them suddenly turning their backs on me is high. The fear that some one new who joins will spread rumors about me, or twist my words around leaving me alone constantly plays in my mind.

Why I write about this now I have no idea. I have had an extremely emotional afternoon and rather than facing the issue in front of me I digress into a problem which is mine alone.

Therapy session 1

You know what the best thing about being a psychology major is? The fact that you have other friends who are psych majors as well. And thanks to this fact I have saved my self a whole lot of cash on a therapist and instead use IG’s services free of charge!

Anyhoo had an extremely weird dream last night and have had various interoperations. Any comments are more than welcomed.

The dream started off with me and some one (can’t remember who – though it was not a family member) walking into the cemetery where my grand ma is buried. (The place was exactly what it looks like in real life)
I walk in, go pay my respects at my grandmother’s grave and start to look for another grave. At this point of time I realize that some of the graves have been moved around and the grave I am looking for is not in its original position.

Slightly frantic I begin to search until some one point’s out one grave. Its black granite and very well decorated but there is no name on it. Yet I know this is the one I am searching for. The people next to be say they need to open the grave to confirm the person’s identity.
They open the grave and inside is my grandfather – perfectly preserved.

I see this and sit down next to the open casket and bawl hysterically.

That was pretty much the dream. I have never met my grandfather – well I probably was just a couple of months old when he passed away.
When I was telling my dad my dream I described what my grand dad was wearing. Although hazy I knew he was wearing a suit, and the colors black, grey and red were present. According to my dad that is exactly what he was buried in.

My interpretation: an unconscious desire for me to know more about the family history and learn about my grandparents.

My dad’s view was that my grandfather was reaching out to me and he needs prayers.

IG’s view: (in her words)
Well, first thoughts (and this is largely guess work and likely to not be entirely accurate)
Your hysteria at the grave not being there suggests some anxiety about something being lost- perhaps at your current insecurity about a certain friendship?? And something changing suggested by renovation (in your dream) you obviously don’t want it to change
Black granite- my associations are of something strong and solid
What’s the association to there being "no name"? What is YOUR association to namelessness?

Shreez: well some times I feel like I am a nameless person, like people just kind off forget about me.

IG: hhmmm, back to the dream, did you not want them to open the coffin

Shreez: I don’t remember exactly. I think I was not opposed to it - it was more for their satisfaction that they needed to now if it was the right grave but I knew it was the right one

IG: Okay. Listen. Some strong association and meaning just struck me. The body in the grave is a split part of you. As a result of this change, while one part is convinced of its own strength and stability, confident (body in grave) the other part; outside is hysterical and wants to cry
You don’t need them to open it up, yet for THEIR satisfaction they do. It’s like a test of your character strength perhaps
Nothing comes to me with respect to the no name thing. Something to do perhaps wit losing yourself as a result of all this splitting
Plus, the fact that you chose your grand father (a Lieutenant General) as a symbol suggests a desire to have that strength. Generals are strong and commanding figures

Shreez: well its weird u say that - because my thoughts lately have been that I show case my self to be a strong person - but with my insecurities with this certain friendship I have my self realized what an insecure, over analyzing, blowing things out of proportion in my mind person I can be

IG: Dream interpretation is like peeling an onion. Multilayered meanings as one uncovers the latent content from the manifest content, while the religious one doesn’t enter the picture for you or me. The other two- mine and your family interpretation are both making sense to you and therefore likely to be correct but, I think the family one is less deeper than the one that related to your own psychic processes

See that’s why it’s great having friends who are psychologists!

PS – any other views??