and its done!

Cant believe how fast time flies!

I have already come to the end of my B.Ed.... keep thinking this is a dream, and I'm going to wake up and it will be time to go for the inauguration ceremony...

As I sit in my sari, waiting to leave, this past year has been filled up highs and lows, laughter and tears and everything else which comes as a side order with LIFE!

Today is the Valedictory ceremony, we dint take part in the official college convocation ceremony because our semester started later. So next year May if I'm still in Bangalore, I will do the walk, with the whole gown hat etc.

But for now this is my graduation!!!! I know I still have my exams left, but this a big deal! I did it!

Survived!!!!

Christ University is interesting to say the least. It was hard to get back to the whole being a student thing and especially in a place which is such a stickler for rules and regulations..

Looking back at my blog, I realize I never really did a post on college life etc.

Well here goes :)

Being a student was fun again, but honestly I like being on the other side of the table. And now my degree allows me to do that! Can you say Teacher aunty?

I took part in my fair share of events in college - Mono Act, Dumb Charades (yes I am the drama diva)

I became the official designer for the department, worked on the newsletters, brochures, posters etc for the School of Education.

Thanks to all my experience in Kodai and BY's amazing design skills I did learn some thing...

We went on trips, we attended classes, we bunked classes, we submitted assignments (late but never the less), went to the library, googled every thing!

Made friends with people I never expected to do!

All in all, apart from what I was taught in class I learnt a lot...

learnt how to use the Indian loo! (seriously major accomplishment!)

learnt how to wear a sari (properly and now can say I can put on a sari in 8 minutes!)

felt domesticated at times - making my lunch, packing it, watering the plants all in a sari...

felt like crap at times

Frustrated at times...

But overall I'm happy its done!

Dee, Pinks, WC and N came for the function! Surrounded my friends and family I am happy.

While every one else brought one or two guests I came with my whole posse and as one of the teachers very politely put it "They are quite the lively bunch aren't they?"

From taking a million pictures to hooting every time my picture came up on the screen, it was a fun day..

After which we went to our favourite watering hole, High Note for a lovely lunch.

The party continued on at WC's place in the evening, going into the early hours of the morning (as usual :))

I finally came home today 5 days later, after hours of WII and cooking for the boys, the past week has been a blast..

Toodles from the graduate

Happy Tuesday

Celebratory lunch at High Note

Bring on the drinks :)

Lookie here, I won some thing :)

Student teachers of Mary Immaculate School

Teaching aids, a teachers best friend!

and the finishing line is in sight...

35 days left and it marks my one year of living in Bangalore..

With the highs and the lows the city has put me through, almost a year later as I stretch out in the comfort of my humble abode (yes my house still makes me smile!) I say,

I am settled

.

I am happy

.

But enough of my contemplative nonsense, this past month has been super busy and one wonders where time has flown...

I am almost to the end of my B.Ed degree..cant believe its almost over... the major hurdles have been crossed and now the finishing line is well in sight.

My student teaching is over, and boy did it go quick. For an entire year we were bombarded by the teachers in our college, telling us how tough it would be, the sleepless nights, the hard work and the stress we would be dealing with.

But honestly it was not as hard as they said it would be...

I was teaching in Mary Immaculate School - Wilson Garden. An all girls school and your truly was teaching 9th grade girls - English and History..

My first day of class, boy was I nervous.. but as soon as I entered the classroom all the nervousness disappeared and I fed off the girls responsiveness!

Smart bunch of kids, with loads of questions and always keeping me on my toes!

I got great feedback from my teachers, teachers from the school and my fellow classmates! I was happy, excited and satisfied with what I was doing!

I think the biggest boost to my ego was that teachers from the school were asked to sit in my class since my classes were so interactive! Modern ages is not an easy topic to teach... I always hated history in school, so my form of teaching was to do the opposite of how I was taught :)

Worked well enough I say :)

Even the principal was observing me on the CTV cameras (creepy but got good feedback!)

As you can see I am still feeding off the high from my student teaching...

Oh and also the whole I have to wear a sari every day... which was totally freaking me out... easy peasy... am now proud to say I can put on a sari, in exactly 7 minutes wohoo!

In other aspects of life... seaman went and had an accident, he is now nursing a broken elbow... layla is gone but she saved his life!

He's in Bangalore, home bound and getting a bit cagey now days, understandably!

Its been movies movies and movies for him... along with games of poker... he aims to win enough to buy a new car, and with my luck in the cards looks like its all from me !!! :)

My past couple of weekends have been spent at WC's house watching 2 and half men and chilling... My weekend house to get away from the city !

I know have a week off before my practical exam, theory exam and valedictory day... 36 days and I am done!!!

Looking for a job, fingers crossed that everything falls into place...

Well thats all from me for now, how do you like the new blog look?

*Listening to Smile by Uncle Kracker

Give it to me, one time..

Ever had a song which makes you happy every time you hear it!

Well my happy song for the moment is 54-46 was my number by Toots and The Maytals, heard it at Beady house and fell in love with the song.

So for the past few days, the song is on repeat on full volume!

*twirls around happily*

So my loyal readers what's your happy song - comment and share some music with us all!

My site meter says I have readers from all around the world: California, Colorado, Ohio, New Jersey, Florida, Ontario, Senegal, Slovakia, Istanbul, Moscow, Saudi Arabia, Mauritius, Bombay, Gujarat, Delhi, Bangalore, Indonesia, Philippines, Singapore, Japan and Australia.

Pretty extensive I say!

So comments are more than welcome, what are you listening to today!

Life in Bangalore is going good, talking to goldfish today I mentioned how suddenly it hits me that I have grown up. Yeah I know what your thinking, at 25 I should not be having these thoughts.

But as a kid, I remember watching my cousins and brothers living the life of 20 something year olds and being like I cant wait to be that old.

Now I think I have done a post very similar to this, when I was living in Kodai.. But living in a city relates much better to my childhood memories.

Last weekend, Angel and I were at home, and after dinner and some bonding we decided to dance. Cue chick flick moment. Music on full blast while these two delhi'ites 'just letting go' to quote my ding relations.

Talking about ding's - well Anglo Indians are known as dings - and I am proud to be one child :) With coconut rice and bobo curry and jiving! Whats not too like :D

Shout out to all the ding-dongs out there!

Now I am just rambling, because instead of studying I am procrastinating and blogging instead!

So shall sign off now.

Two days left for ala-bama to arrive!

Signing off now, go listen to your happy song and have a happy Tuesday !

The year that was

As usual this post is a wee bit late.. but better late than never right ?
So 2008 - this year did go by really quick. It was filled with lots of ups and downs, like any year usually is. But on the whole the year was good.

~I had my health (with a few injuries thrown in here and there)
~I had my family (and through all the trials, love underlines everything we do)
~I met new people (and made good friends)
~I let go of the past (both people and situations)
~I went through the tears (from the sad moments, the frustrating moments and the funniest times where you laugh so much you have to cry)
~I discovered more of me
~I travelled (alot!)
Delhi .. I consider it travelling as now Kodai is my home
Goa - absolutely fantastic! long way to travel just for 2 days but totally worth it. Beach..sun...friends..bonding..partying..and the other 'interesting' aspects of the trip
Bangalore .. meeting with family and friends all in the span of 36 hours, because I live on top of a mountain and we travel 12 hours one way to get to a decent city
Chennai .. same as above
Turkey - an amazing place. I loved it. Hot air ballooning was the highlight of the trip
Chidambram - this time it was much better..knew what to expect and having friends around always helped
Pondi - one of my fav places in south india. This place is gorgeous. Paper factory is a must along with satsanga (fantastic little restaraunt)
Madurai - for my exams. Thanks to JP and Hoops I made it through those days
Kerela - canoeing on the backwaters of kerela for 6 days. Fan-bloody-tastic. 65kms baby!
Thekkady - you got to love friends who take you for a holiday when the know your down. Added bonus was staying in a fantastic resort. Chilling near the pool, drinking beer, hiking in the forest, dealing with leeches. Got to love A&A
Varanasi - the interview with the people from the leprosary colony was an eye opening experience towards understanding human nature and ability to deal with adversities

~Visitors to Kodai included my bro and then my dad surprising me on my birthday
~Best moment - dad walking in on the birthday song
~Work..goes on. Now incharge of the yearbook and looking forward to learning why I try to lead.

~Technological advancements
Getting my laptop
Learning how to hook up my laptop to my TV
Harddrive :)
Swapping software with J3
Getting itunes and finally putting music and pictures on my ipod by myself

~Technological boo boos
Deleting my recovery folder from the D drive (luckily I dint delete it from the recycle bin, its now back to my D drive)

~Crazy moments
Sneaking out a swan paddle boat at 4am and going around the lake with C
The week of Yaka in May
Categories
Pen 15 club
Cafe Mondys
TGIF and ultimate margaritas
Bad Jokes R US
Laughing till I fall over and cant breathe
TC ... just call me the wing man
...and so many more

~Beauty & Styles
My hair has been cut, coloured, straightened, braided, conditioned with avacado and egg
Pushed my limits (and it dint hurt as much as I thought it would)
Pierced my ears again (and this time he said my ears have lost weight)

I love
.my family
.my nephews
.my friends
.crocheting
.cooking
.hosting parties
.being me

and that was 2008 ladies and gentlemen
To the new year
I look forward to change and new opportunities
Raise my glass and wish you all a wonderful 365 days ahead!

The motions of thy emotions

Emotions have been running pretty wild this past week and in the midst of down right depression I have had fleeting moments of happiness.

Been doing a lot of soul searching lately
Old fears creeping back into my mind
Learning about my self,
Things I can do and things which leave me a crumpled mess on the floor
I have learnt
That there is an ugliness inside of me
That I can be spiteful
Hidden in the darkness - usually content to be there
But once in a while breaking out
Shocking me
Scaring me
Some thing I need to work on
To remove the anger and the hatred
To remove those thoughts that run through my head
The ones which make me says things which I wish I never did
Words which shatter relationships
I also encountered one of my weaknesses
Some thing which had held on to me for over two months
Not willing to admit it and not willing to ask for help
It was easy to zone out that to actually deal with the situations
But I also learnt that I have friends who look out for me
Who look past the smile plastered on my face
And tell me “We need to talk”
I’ve learnt you need to put aside pride and ask for help
I’ve been happy
Sad
Frustrated
Hurt
Lonely
Homesick
Loved

Ah! the good days and the bad days

The good days and the bad days

There are days when I bask in your glory

Live for your love

Astounded by your greatness

Hear your word

Walk in complete faith

Complete peace

And then come the other days

When I dont listen

When I attempt to do all by myself

When life is to busy for some time with you

When life seems perfect and I really need nothing more

Yeah those are the bad days

And they go on and on

Days turn to weeks and some times months

I turn around and start from step one again

Each step again

Frustrated at my stupidity

And slightly amused at the fact that I thought I could do it my self

In the summer time... when the weather is fine...

So have not written for ages and I think its time to do a post on the happenings in my life. Pretty random post with out any major insights. Well that’s not true, while I was in Madurai giving my exams I did learn a few things apart from the reliability and validity of a test.

*I can be stubborn and stupid some times and usually end up doing what people told me to do in the first place. Yes non AC room in Madurai is not the best option
*I am a wuss, I hated it there and it was just for a few days but I wanted to leave every chance I got
*I am loved. I had people cheering me on, telling me I could do it and just making sure I did what I went there to do
*That people are comfortable enough to chill in my house when I am not there. Mi casa es tu casa
*Cell phones - an amazing invention. If I dint have text messaging - Madurai would have been unbearable
*I love buying shoes and can even find a pair I like in Madurai
*Really love being in Kodai - in my community - with my friends aaawww
(yeah yeah this isn’t a literary masterpiece!)

The interesting happenings in Maduari:
*The auto driver on day one offering me his comb when I asked him if he could take me to a place where I can buy a brush from.
*People thinking I am a foreigner - really me?? have you seen me... I am Indian and dam proud of it
*The examiner for my one exam
I enter the hall and he breaks into a stream of Tamil I look dumbfounded. He then ushers me to my seat and gives me the question paper. Once the exam starts he sits down next to me and proceeds to read my answer sheet for the whole exam. Bad enough he sits and reads my paper but he reads it under his breath and I can hear him.
Half way through the paper he asks for my id. Now the picture on the id is from over two years ago and I have really short hair. He then gets on to my case and says that I am not the same person. We spend 10 minutes arguing and then I go out to get my id card, which is not up to his satisfaction so I pull out my licence. He finally admits that I am the same person and I get down to my exam. He then sees me writing on attitudes, he exclaims "ah! attitudes, you know I did my thesis on attitudes!" I smile sweetly and get back to writing, he continues on asking why my hand writing was so bad and why I was not underlining the important points. Honestly man will you let me write my exams! He continues to read my paper and then asks me where I was from. Told him I was from Delhi - "arre no no, you are Sri Lankan" .. uumm no I am not "are you sure, you look Sri Lankan, are your parents Sri Lankan, you sound like a foreigner"
Any way he bugged me through out the exam and when I got up to leave he asked whether I would help him with some English work the next day! (only I get to meet random people like this!)

The interesting happenings in Kodai:
*Chilling to wee hours of the morning for 5 days straight after my stint in Madurai
*Sneaking out a paddle boast at 4am with C and paddling around the lake (and the others said it was too dangerous pah!)
*Taking care of intoxicated people haha
*Random stalker pestering me - Romio go get a life

That’s pretty much it, told you nothing really great was happening.
Vacation starts for me in a week’s time. Off to Delhi for a couple of hours and then off to Turkey for a week or so. Looking forward it. Hot air balloon ride over turkey - the highlight of the trip. And then I am back in Delhi - oh sweet Delhi how I miss thee. So who ever is in Delhi from the 21 of June till the 13 of July - give me a buzz.
Thats all folks!

flowing emotions

Time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much

Words from unchained melody (really nice song I must add) Not that the lyrics have much to do with the post today. I was thinking about how fast time flies. We are in March already – it seems like yesterday that I was sitting with IG, Papa Ramero, P Diddy and Blondie at TGIF. But now we are all back into our corners of the world and reality is back in my face.

Last Thursday this time I was pretty depressed. Actually bawling my eyes out and gasping for breath would be a more apt description. The week has gone by. Gone by quickly and slowly at the same time. Does that make sense?

The days have gone by quick, I guess that’s thanks to the running around and organizing I’ve been doing for the event on Saturday but the thinking / pondering / analyzing / contemplating I have been doing has made the week seem like a month.

Talking to P Diddy this morning I came up with another insight. Been doing a lot of that lately.
I don’t care a DAM what you think
I don’t care whether you like or hate me
I don’t care if you think I am the cause for every single thing going wrong
I don’t care if you think I am not good enough

You know why?
Because it’s your thoughts! Your view, your ideas, your issue!!

And I’ve stopped caring. I have stopped being scared. Stopped fearing some thing which is not true. You tried – you tried to break me, you convinced me I was no good.
Hell you convinced me that if any thing happened to ‘A’ it would be my fault.
That if death were to come knocking on the door – he would be thanking me for the referral!

You know what you almost got away with it. You pushed me, criticized me, belittled me till I looked at my self and felt disgusted. I was never good enough for any thing – never strong enough for any thing!

But today I stand up, because honestly you’re full of shit and you know it!

So you can push me all you like
Try to do what ever makes you feel happy
But I am going to stand my ground
I might have tears running down my face, my voice might me trembling but I am NOT standing down

Blast from the past with a dash of psychological input!

At the end of grade 11 my ‘friends’ suddenly decided they dint want to be friends with me any more. It would have been nice if they had told me. Instead they completely ignored me, whispered behind my back and basically were bitchy (like high school girls are!)

This treatment lasted for about 5 – 6 months. Can you imagine going to school, having people totally ignore you. And those who did speak to you – spoke like you were a condemned person. And the one person who I thought would tell me what was going on, looked right through me when I asked her a question.

Yeah high school girls can be a bitches.
Trust me I know.
I was one and have been on the receiving end as well.

I finally did find out what really happened. Some rumors were spread and instead of confronting me – my ‘friends’ just decided to ostracize me.

Things actually worked out for the best. I made new friends. People who thought I was a stuck up little twit got to know the real me and Blondie and I became best friends.

FYI – she was one of the people who totally ignored me as well

But the point of this post is not to crib about it. It all happened for a reason and I am glad it did. But it did have an effect on me psychologically.

I now have insecurities about friends. Especially close friends. The fear of them suddenly turning their backs on me is high. The fear that some one new who joins will spread rumors about me, or twist my words around leaving me alone constantly plays in my mind.

Why I write about this now I have no idea. I have had an extremely emotional afternoon and rather than facing the issue in front of me I digress into a problem which is mine alone.

Therapy session 1

You know what the best thing about being a psychology major is? The fact that you have other friends who are psych majors as well. And thanks to this fact I have saved my self a whole lot of cash on a therapist and instead use IG’s services free of charge!

Anyhoo had an extremely weird dream last night and have had various interoperations. Any comments are more than welcomed.

The dream started off with me and some one (can’t remember who – though it was not a family member) walking into the cemetery where my grand ma is buried. (The place was exactly what it looks like in real life)
I walk in, go pay my respects at my grandmother’s grave and start to look for another grave. At this point of time I realize that some of the graves have been moved around and the grave I am looking for is not in its original position.

Slightly frantic I begin to search until some one point’s out one grave. Its black granite and very well decorated but there is no name on it. Yet I know this is the one I am searching for. The people next to be say they need to open the grave to confirm the person’s identity.
They open the grave and inside is my grandfather – perfectly preserved.

I see this and sit down next to the open casket and bawl hysterically.

That was pretty much the dream. I have never met my grandfather – well I probably was just a couple of months old when he passed away.
When I was telling my dad my dream I described what my grand dad was wearing. Although hazy I knew he was wearing a suit, and the colors black, grey and red were present. According to my dad that is exactly what he was buried in.

My interpretation: an unconscious desire for me to know more about the family history and learn about my grandparents.

My dad’s view was that my grandfather was reaching out to me and he needs prayers.

IG’s view: (in her words)
Well, first thoughts (and this is largely guess work and likely to not be entirely accurate)
Your hysteria at the grave not being there suggests some anxiety about something being lost- perhaps at your current insecurity about a certain friendship?? And something changing suggested by renovation (in your dream) you obviously don’t want it to change
Black granite- my associations are of something strong and solid
What’s the association to there being "no name"? What is YOUR association to namelessness?

Shreez: well some times I feel like I am a nameless person, like people just kind off forget about me.

IG: hhmmm, back to the dream, did you not want them to open the coffin

Shreez: I don’t remember exactly. I think I was not opposed to it - it was more for their satisfaction that they needed to now if it was the right grave but I knew it was the right one

IG: Okay. Listen. Some strong association and meaning just struck me. The body in the grave is a split part of you. As a result of this change, while one part is convinced of its own strength and stability, confident (body in grave) the other part; outside is hysterical and wants to cry
You don’t need them to open it up, yet for THEIR satisfaction they do. It’s like a test of your character strength perhaps
Nothing comes to me with respect to the no name thing. Something to do perhaps wit losing yourself as a result of all this splitting
Plus, the fact that you chose your grand father (a Lieutenant General) as a symbol suggests a desire to have that strength. Generals are strong and commanding figures

Shreez: well its weird u say that - because my thoughts lately have been that I show case my self to be a strong person - but with my insecurities with this certain friendship I have my self realized what an insecure, over analyzing, blowing things out of proportion in my mind person I can be

IG: Dream interpretation is like peeling an onion. Multilayered meanings as one uncovers the latent content from the manifest content, while the religious one doesn’t enter the picture for you or me. The other two- mine and your family interpretation are both making sense to you and therefore likely to be correct but, I think the family one is less deeper than the one that related to your own psychic processes

See that’s why it’s great having friends who are psychologists!

PS – any other views??

Catharsis

I write this, not just as a post, but more as a personal catharsis. This form of writing is very different for me and may be by splitting up what I am going through makes accepting it a little easier. It’s not my best work, but it’s a release for me. It was written some time back, so dont think I am out of sync right now!

Does the heart rule the mind? Or does the mind rule the heart?

Mind
The heart convinced me (the mind) that the relationship was worth it. That no matter how many clues stood right in front of me I choose to ignore them. Until I had had enough and told the heart in pretty simple terms to bugger off.
But the heart once in a while gets center stage and floods me with emotions; making me ponder on the past that was never meant to be the future.

I decided that today I would be the controlling figure.

Taking center stage I announce to the rest of the body “Listen up and listen good! The feelings are some thing of the past; they no longer play a part in today’s situation. That is the stand we are taking and every one will help in projecting that.
Feet: you shall no longer walk for miles just to make sure he gets some thing to put a smile on his face
Arms: you shall no longer be there to hold his tired body
Eyes: you shall no longer scan his face to make sure he is ok
We will not watch him walk away.
We will not let even the slightest touch have any physiological effect on us
Are we clear?”

Heart
“I can’t deal with it. I can’t be expected to just shut down and ignore him. I am expected to look right through him. Always living on others expectations. I don’t think I can do this any more. I crushed what ever I felt, what ever I had so that he would not be hurt. But there is only that much you can crush down. And now he is with some one and I should be happy, but I am sad, not that he not with me, but the fact that he cannot look into my face. He can’t even bare being alone with me. We don’t talk and now even the simple hello is so strained!”

Body
“The emptiness is enveloping me. I feel hollow; this vacuum has been created within. Breathing is difficult and controlling the tears even more.”

How time flies…

I am back in Kodai… completely exhausted but glad to be back in Kodai. Chidambaram is not really my place for a hang out…
But talk about the fun filled 13 days in Chidambaram will come to you in another post… for now the topic is time…

How time flies…. I say that a lot and it got me thinking…. That time does fly
(very profound.. give me a break I just got off a 10 hour bus journey and am straight into work)

It is 11:43 am (17 September 2007) – and I am at work and working on my blog J

Yesterday at this very time I was finishing off my practical exam for my masters program and was dam excited that I never had to come back to Chidambaram ever again

Last week at this very moment, I was sitting in theory class… I was sitting in Alexander’s class listening to him state that women are where they are because men allow them to be there
(different post to completely refute that!)
Two weeks before that, I was sitting in Satsanga, reading Shantaram (a must read) drinking a glass of chilled beer and eating Takasi (which is feta cheese, herbs etc made into a paste and served with freshly toasted garlic bread.. mmm)
Three weeks ago, I don’t remember exactly what I was doing… but probably in office… drinking some kick ass organic brewed coffee, listening to music and working on MSA documents
(Word can drive me crazy with its stupid formatting)

A month ago, I was sitting with a hot water bottle in excruciating pain, after injuring my back and not letting it heal…
(I can never say no to a game of volleyball...!)
Two months ago, I was dorm parent for a couple of days and taking care of a sick friend… nurse shreez to the rescue.
Three months ago, I was in London.. living it up
Four months ago, I was teary eyed at the fact they were graduating and I would not have them knocking at my door

A year ago, I was just starting my contract in Kodai. learning – that things would never be the same again.
Two years ago – I was in Hyderabad. Wondering what I was doing with my life. Was in love (or at least some thing I thought was love)
Three years ago, I was still in college. Sitting in class… listening intently if it was organizational behavior class.. else passing random notes hyper and IG
Four years ago, I was still in college – but life was all about @, Was thinking, which appointments I needed to make and how to get the numbers for my department.
Five years ago, I just joined college. I was at NLDS… no voice, no sleep, lots of dancing – extremely kicked.
Ten years ago, I joined a new school. Was the quiet wall flower (was is the operative word). Dying in the humid weather, with the horrible pink and white stripped uniform. (yuck!)
Fifteen years ago, I was in grade 2. Would have been having break time now, eating jam and cheese sandwiches. (I miss break time)
Twenty years ago, I would have been 2 and half years old. (extremely adorable and cute, like I still aren’t). Talking non stop, and making people say “What an adorable little girl”

I was
Daddy’s ‘precious’
Mama’s little girl
Bhaiya’s – bratty little sister
One grandmothers – favorite (she never said it, but I knew it)
Another grandmothers – least favorite grandchild (she said it, over and over again)
Aunt & Uncle’s – favorite niece

I am
Daddy’s ‘precious’
Mama’s little girl, who’s growing up
Bhaiya’s – confidant & friend
Grandmother’s – favorite (both of them)
Aunt & Uncle’s – I don’t know where I stand

How time flies…!

Unrequited Love

Every smile of yours makes me smile
Every touch of yours sends shivers down my spine
Every word of yours reverberates in my soul

The song comes to an end. The guitar strings strummed one last time. You open your eyes, look up and smile. My heart skips a beat. You stare right at me, just seeing you is enough for me. That smile makes my day. A picture of you is all I need. It’s the fix I crave.

I look at my favorite picture. Your smiling brightly into the camera, you are smiling right at me.

Snap back into reality.
You finished your piece. Your tentative smile turning into a bigger grin. You walk towards me. I absorb the image that is coming towards me. Your sculptured body, your strong hands, your broad shoulders. Those eyes, the window to your soul.

You come closer and closer, I anticipate your touch, your arms around me. Your just there, two more steps. But wait, you keep walking. Your shoulder brushing against mine. A quick sorry and your walk away. I turn around to see you hug her. Your arms wrapped around her waist. You pick her up and twirl her around.

The lump in my throat gets bigger; my heart begins a downward spiral into pain. There is goes again. Unrequited love, broken hearts, hidden desires.

Why can’t I just tell you? I am going to tell you. Hesitantly I come forward. Your back is towards me, even the sight of you neck, sends shivers down my spine.
I blurt it out "I love you" You turn around with surprise written all over your face.

My voice struggles to stay strong
"I love you, okay I do. Every thing about you I love. I am the one you should be with. I am the one who is willing to give up every thing for you.

Let me be the shoulder you lean on. Let my hand be the one you hold. I don’t claim to know you completely, but I want to spend the rest of my life, learning about you.

I want to know what keeps you up in the night, I want to support you in your dream. The mere scent of you sends me into a place of utmost bliss.

You've seen my cry.
You've seen me laugh.
Now see me for the one who loves you, who will always love you"

"You ok?" he says, snapping me back into reality, I am staring right at you. Your arms are still around her. It takes me a moment to realize that it was a dream. My heartfelt confession was all in my mind. I swallow hard and reply "Yup all good?"

A smile and a curtsey nod and you turn around fingers intertwined with hers you leave.
And just as you turn the corner, my heart begins to weep. I try to grasp my breath but the tears don’t give me a chance.

"Why?" I scream.

"What have I ever done to deserve this? You give me love to share. Yet you give me no one to share it with.
What kind of game is this?
How many times am I to love some one I cannot get?
How many times must I smile when he walks way with her?

It’s not just him, what about the first. Just when I get over him you bring in second. Third time lucky! I think not!

You can’t tell me not to care. You can’t say just forget about him. It’s not that easy. You gave me this love, then why don’t you take it way. No you want me to deal with it.

One person, that’s all I ask.
Some one to love, some one to take care of.
Some one to protect, some one who will protect.
Who'll understand me? Who knows when I just need to be held?

Is it that tough? Or is it easier just to show me what I cannot get.
I don’t know what to do. I give up. I give up on love"

And as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I have no answers.
But I still have unrequited love.

Every smile of yours makes me smile
Every touch of yours sends shivers down my spine
Every word of yours reverberates in my soul
Yet you dont know
You'll never know

Until nothing is left

She sits in her favorite arm chair, legs curled beneath her. Her eyes reflect the fire, which crackles and pops in front of her. Flames slowly advance towards the dry pieces of wood. Enveloping them, eating away slowly but steadily, until they are nothing but red embers destined to turn into ash and be swept away.

She yearns for silence although it surrounds every aspect of her life. She is faced with mute lips, deaf ears and blind eyes. Yet the voices in her head scream at her. Every minute of every day she hears those voices.

She is not crazy, neither schizophrenic nor a hypo manic. She is just a girl with problems. Problems like every one else. And they are slowing eating her up, breaking her down bit by bit. Until nothing is left.

He sits next to her. Unsure of what to do. She is holding on to her knees, head buried in her arms. He can see the fresh scratches on her arms. She seems so smail, a scared little girl - so different from the confidant, happy person he knows.

He touches her tentatively, calling out her name in that deep voice of his.

She looks up at him, her face has lost all colour, her right eye turning a shade of ink blue, her lip is split open and the blood is beinging to clot. He gets up to get an ice pack

She grabs on to him, her nails clawing into his flesh, he can barely get her to release her grip. She pulls him down next to her and as he puts his arms around her, she lays her head down on his chest. They stay like that for some time. He knows he should not push her to talk. His cheek on top her head and says a silent prayer.

He suddenly realizes that she is talking, her voice muffled, he shifts his body so as to hear her better and the words just keep pouring out.

'I tried stopping him, I did. But he was just too strong. It started off with a simple kiss and to be honest I wanted to kiss him as well.
He knew just what to say and when to say. He knows how to make me feel loved. So I kissed him. My arms were entwined around his neck and his hands were on the small of my back. He enveloped me and I felt protected.
He was so tender, in the beginning that is. Things were going to fast, I wasn't ready for it. I told him to stop, but he dint listen - he pushed me on to the bed and climbed on top.
I couldn't move. He told me not to struggle, he told me he loved me. I screamed - that’s when he hit me. The room began to spin. Felt his hands all over me, smelt his breath infused with the tequila he had been drinking slobbering over me.
What happened to the man I knew I thought. What happened to the tenderness which attracted me to him?"

"You saved me" she said. Her monologue now turned into a dialogue with me. "I dont know what would have happened if you ... Why did you come back?"

"I forgot my bag" he says. The nights experience dismantling it self while the familiarity of life surrounds her. 'I forgot my bag' she smiles and he holds on to her, never wanting to let go.

You learn

Listening to Alanis Morissette 'you learn'

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

What have I learnt ?
1. Althought he hurt me, I still love him ( I think)
2. No matter what they say - I know who I am
3. His insecurities, not mine (I must try to fogive)
4. Being in love is wonderful
5. I'm not scared of being single, having some one does not make me any different
6. B'cos I am too chicken - I have lost the opportunity to say what I had to say
7. Jesus Christ is my saviour
8. Who care's if I screwed up in the past, it brought me here !
9. Stop letting people take you for granted - speak up
10. I'm catstrophe prone