I write this, not just as a post, but more as a personal catharsis. This form of writing is very different for me and may be by splitting up what I am going through makes accepting it a little easier. It’s not my best work, but it’s a release for me. It was written some time back, so dont think I am out of sync right now!
Does the heart rule the mind? Or does the mind rule the heart?
Mind
The heart convinced me (the mind) that the relationship was worth it. That no matter how many clues stood right in front of me I choose to ignore them. Until I had had enough and told the heart in pretty simple terms to bugger off.
But the heart once in a while gets center stage and floods me with emotions; making me ponder on the past that was never meant to be the future.
I decided that today I would be the controlling figure.
Taking center stage I announce to the rest of the body “Listen up and listen good! The feelings are some thing of the past; they no longer play a part in today’s situation. That is the stand we are taking and every one will help in projecting that.
Feet: you shall no longer walk for miles just to make sure he gets some thing to put a smile on his face
Arms: you shall no longer be there to hold his tired body
Eyes: you shall no longer scan his face to make sure he is ok
We will not watch him walk away.
We will not let even the slightest touch have any physiological effect on us
Are we clear?”
Heart
“I can’t deal with it. I can’t be expected to just shut down and ignore him. I am expected to look right through him. Always living on others expectations. I don’t think I can do this any more. I crushed what ever I felt, what ever I had so that he would not be hurt. But there is only that much you can crush down. And now he is with some one and I should be happy, but I am sad, not that he not with me, but the fact that he cannot look into my face. He can’t even bare being alone with me. We don’t talk and now even the simple hello is so strained!”
Body
“The emptiness is enveloping me. I feel hollow; this vacuum has been created within. Breathing is difficult and controlling the tears even more.”
Showing posts with label the past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the past. Show all posts
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tum kya kabootar pakadne ki koshish kar rahe ho?
Since work has been pretty quiet (read no work at all) I have spent the better part of the week, going through photographs, making collages, reading old emails and reminicinsing...
* Singing hakuna matata (is that the spelling) for an inter house competition... I dint sing tho, but still rememeber that day... we won ! Ah inter house competitons, brings out the worst in soem people. What were the house names (Ball - green, Hart - Yellow, Theresa - Blue and Red was aarrggg cant remember, need to ask Pdiddy)
* What about the inter house story telling competition.. P diddy was house captain and she trained us well. I remembered I sucked at spinning a yarn, but she insited I was on the team and we made sure that what ever inital line we go, we would change it to ourstory line. We won again. Ball house rocked ! Yeah the story was about a photographer getting lost in the jungle losing his clothes and being found in banana print underwear...
* On teachers day, each house had to put up a play. Ours was the whole wicked teachers / good teachers in a magic school. I was the wicked witch.. even then my talents for a scary laugh were noticed... wicked laugh
* Trying to make a cake with munchkin (this is before I developed my cooking skills). Ended up taking it out too soon and the center was completely raw!
* This probably happened when I was about 8.. accompanied my cuz to her ball room dancing lesson. And came back and completely spilled the beans to the family and how she was dancing with this one boy and they were holding hands. (I was quite the big mouth)
*Grade 5, talking in class and Aunty Batra (we called out teachers aunty _____) grabbing me by my plait and literally throwing me out of class. Never spoke in her class ever again.
* Same class, we had to learn the poems in our book, and the test was to recite the poem in class. We had to choose a chit with the poem name. I picked up one and another chit fell down, picked it up and put it back in the box. Recited my poem and came back to my seat. Where I was pointedly told by my partner that he saw me cheating. (but I dint I swear, the chit fell down, I put it back. Dint even see what was written)
Its amazing when, you let your mind wander into the past, the most inconsequential aspects pop back up.
* The first song, on the first mixed tape I got as a birthday present was 'Last Christmas'
* The first day in the convent school, for some reason people thought I was African.
* My first rain dance at the club. Going with munchkin and before going eating choco's
* Buying my first pair of jeans with munchkin, Lee Cooper for Rs. 500 (they were on sale) from a shop in Defence Colony and then buying a white spagetti top. I was 12 and this was the first time I was shopping with out my mom.
* Being told by the PE teacher when he saw me dribble the basketball. "Tum kya kabootar pakadne ki koshish kar rahe ho?"
English translation "Are you trying to catch pigeons" Was never good at basketball, volleyball I'll whoop your arse.
Well thats all from the recesses of my mind... Have to go, having people over for dinner tonight...
* Singing hakuna matata (is that the spelling) for an inter house competition... I dint sing tho, but still rememeber that day... we won ! Ah inter house competitons, brings out the worst in soem people. What were the house names (Ball - green, Hart - Yellow, Theresa - Blue and Red was aarrggg cant remember, need to ask Pdiddy)
* What about the inter house story telling competition.. P diddy was house captain and she trained us well. I remembered I sucked at spinning a yarn, but she insited I was on the team and we made sure that what ever inital line we go, we would change it to ourstory line. We won again. Ball house rocked ! Yeah the story was about a photographer getting lost in the jungle losing his clothes and being found in banana print underwear...
* On teachers day, each house had to put up a play. Ours was the whole wicked teachers / good teachers in a magic school. I was the wicked witch.. even then my talents for a scary laugh were noticed... wicked laugh
* Trying to make a cake with munchkin (this is before I developed my cooking skills). Ended up taking it out too soon and the center was completely raw!
* This probably happened when I was about 8.. accompanied my cuz to her ball room dancing lesson. And came back and completely spilled the beans to the family and how she was dancing with this one boy and they were holding hands. (I was quite the big mouth)
*Grade 5, talking in class and Aunty Batra (we called out teachers aunty _____) grabbing me by my plait and literally throwing me out of class. Never spoke in her class ever again.
* Same class, we had to learn the poems in our book, and the test was to recite the poem in class. We had to choose a chit with the poem name. I picked up one and another chit fell down, picked it up and put it back in the box. Recited my poem and came back to my seat. Where I was pointedly told by my partner that he saw me cheating. (but I dint I swear, the chit fell down, I put it back. Dint even see what was written)
Its amazing when, you let your mind wander into the past, the most inconsequential aspects pop back up.
* The first song, on the first mixed tape I got as a birthday present was 'Last Christmas'
* The first day in the convent school, for some reason people thought I was African.
* My first rain dance at the club. Going with munchkin and before going eating choco's
* Buying my first pair of jeans with munchkin, Lee Cooper for Rs. 500 (they were on sale) from a shop in Defence Colony and then buying a white spagetti top. I was 12 and this was the first time I was shopping with out my mom.
* Being told by the PE teacher when he saw me dribble the basketball. "Tum kya kabootar pakadne ki koshish kar rahe ho?"
English translation "Are you trying to catch pigeons" Was never good at basketball, volleyball I'll whoop your arse.
Well thats all from the recesses of my mind... Have to go, having people over for dinner tonight...
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The X factor
The past hour I have spent reading through old emails between me and my ex's. The fact that my last post about an hour ago stated I was extremly happy still remains. Reading these old emails, does not make me sad or depressed, but reminds me of what I have been through, people I hurt, people who hurt me and what not to do in a certain situation.
I have been in a total of 3 serious relationships. Each one so different...
X no. 1 - childhood sweethearts... I dont think we ever went through the phase of 'boys/girls have cooties'. We liked each other and really dint care a dam. But then he moved away, and we both changed.. and it was never the same again... maybe just maybe if he stayed, we would still be together..
X no 2. - I learnt alot from this relationship, however on and off it was... I realized I could be quite bitch... I knew what to say and do... and how to get him where I wanted and then to walk away leaving him hanging. When I go through my memories I realize what shit I put him through, yet he still remained in my life. I have to thank him for that... he made me see what I could be and I just hope I am not like that with any one else.
X no. 3 - ah this one is a real goodie... my first experience with a smooth talking, sweeping you off your feet boy... he knew what to say, to make me go weak in the knees. Singing 'lucky lips' for me, talking to him until I fell asleep.. this boy captured me. And what ever doubts I had, he just slowly rubbed them away. And then he walked away. I never cried for boy 1 or 2. It was a mutual understanding and realized that friendship was the way to be.
But ah! boy no. 3 - he made me cry - when I lost him and when I found out why I lost him. Going to bed was a nightmare, cos when the lights were off and there were no distractions the thoughts came tumbling back and I felt my heart hurt, I could not breathe - all because of this boy. I should probably hate him... cut him out of my life... but you know what I still care for him... cant help it... he was a friend... but no longer is he in the main window of my life.. some where in the background he lies... and when the night is silent and the moon dark he manages to evoke some memories, with out being around.
I have been in a total of 3 serious relationships. Each one so different...
X no. 1 - childhood sweethearts... I dont think we ever went through the phase of 'boys/girls have cooties'. We liked each other and really dint care a dam. But then he moved away, and we both changed.. and it was never the same again... maybe just maybe if he stayed, we would still be together..
X no 2. - I learnt alot from this relationship, however on and off it was... I realized I could be quite bitch... I knew what to say and do... and how to get him where I wanted and then to walk away leaving him hanging. When I go through my memories I realize what shit I put him through, yet he still remained in my life. I have to thank him for that... he made me see what I could be and I just hope I am not like that with any one else.
X no. 3 - ah this one is a real goodie... my first experience with a smooth talking, sweeping you off your feet boy... he knew what to say, to make me go weak in the knees. Singing 'lucky lips' for me, talking to him until I fell asleep.. this boy captured me. And what ever doubts I had, he just slowly rubbed them away. And then he walked away. I never cried for boy 1 or 2. It was a mutual understanding and realized that friendship was the way to be.
But ah! boy no. 3 - he made me cry - when I lost him and when I found out why I lost him. Going to bed was a nightmare, cos when the lights were off and there were no distractions the thoughts came tumbling back and I felt my heart hurt, I could not breathe - all because of this boy. I should probably hate him... cut him out of my life... but you know what I still care for him... cant help it... he was a friend... but no longer is he in the main window of my life.. some where in the background he lies... and when the night is silent and the moon dark he manages to evoke some memories, with out being around.
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