So am I asking for it?

Hoops once said “Shreez, you are so aggressive when you are in Delhi. What happens to the calm Shreez we know?”
My response: you got to be aggressive in Delhi. Because where ever you go, what ever you do, there are men watching, leering and mentally undressing you.

I came across a blog today – blank noise (http://blog.blanknoise.org ) Blank Noise is comprised of volunteers in many different cities and meetings and interventions are facilitated by city coordinators against eve teasing.

As I read through the various posts by women on eve teasing, a million thoughts run through my head. And just reading about what others have been through, my heart beats faster, my chest contracts and just breathing is labored. Because every word I read, reflects to a certain extent what I have been through, what every woman in India has been through.

Staring at you
Accidentally brushing up against you
Rubbing you
Pinching you
Sticking close to you in a crowded bus
Lewd comments
Outward sexual aggression

Every one of these things has happened to me; it happened to my friends, it’s still happening to women out there. What’s the answer you get – “She must have asked for it”

Honestly is that what you’re always going to say
It’s always the girls fault
She dressed provocatively
She was acting loose
He was enticed

Tell me how do I ask for it when I was walking about home in the middle of the afternoon in my school uniform and a man on bike drives past and pinches my breasts.
Is that asking for it?

Why you so fat?

So I decided to cut my hair super short. Tried out a new hair dresser. For all the Indians out there, you have probably heard of Habib’s. My folks have been there once, so I thought I would check them out.

Was a bit worried, since I dint have a concrete idea of what I wanted and was not too sure how the guy would cut my hair.

Walked in and there is a guy in super tight pants and an ugly shirt with blue hair. You that was my hair dresser.
Insert gulp here!

Me: Hi I am Shreez, I have an appointment
Hair dresser: You are shreez? Why you so fat!
M: Excuse me ???
HD: haan haan ok, so I will cut your hair, chotu go wash her hair
M: uumm but…wait..what…

Get dragged off to get my hair washed. Still quite flabbergasted by his comment.

I did manage to message close friends, basically shitting my self because I have a feeling this is not going to work out!
The replies I got were hilarious

~what a jerk, ask him what happened to his balls~
~tell him to F off, and keep his comments to him self~
~hysterical laughter~

Anyway I make my way to the chair and he says “so darling kya karna hai? (what do you want to do?)”
M: am planning to go super short, but with the front a bit longer
HD: ok ok, but before that tell me what do you do. You see I cut hair according to peoples profession
M: what a load of bull I think
M: I work in an international school, but I want some thing low maintenance, and funky. I like crazy styles.
HD: haan haan, wunderful… I have the perfect cut for you. Come come

He drags me to his pin up board, points and says “this will be perfect!”

Who does he point too… Lady Diana…
No offence to the lady, but hell that is not the funky hairstyle I was looking for.

M: uumm not really what I was looking for… I have had super short hair before and I would like to go back to it
HD: dharling, why do you want to go super short.. that is a summer cut, its winter now. Bob is in.. get that..
M: NO! bob does not suit me.. I have a round face it wont work
HD: arre we will make it work.

At this point of time I am on the verge of tears and was about to walk out.
He sees this and goes
“ok ok, lets look at some thing else.. you see you have a very nice centre part of the face.. the rest, could do with some work…

Remind me again – what the HELL am I doing here???

HD: dharling, its time you get out of your tom boy phase… dress like a girl, act like a girl.. your no longer a small baby… you are a grown woman!”

Now this would be the time I open my mouth and tell him exactly what I think, but I just end up saying it to my self
“how the hell do you know what I am or what I do. You have not met me before and you try to classify me. Just cut my damn hair and let me get out!”

One stony stare from him, shuts his trap and we finally get back to the chair and he begins to cut.

My blood pressure rises, my heart runs at a mile a minute and I am praying to god that I don’t have to shave my head before Christmas.

He does a half way decent job but styles it with curls and I look like an actress from the 90’s in a Hindi movie.
Chick from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

At this point of time a few tears managed to escape and I am biting my lip to stop my self from freaking out.

I know slightly dramatic, but seriously it was a few days before Christmas and I looked ridiculous.
No wise cracks about and what’s so new about that thank you very much dear reader!

I ended up wetting my hair again and styling it my self, while he looked on. Stylist my foot!

Anyway so that was my experience at Habib’s.
My opinion – not worth going there.
My major issue with him was that he dint cut hair according to the person but more like he knows these cuts and that what he is going to do.

I leave the place, while frantically calling IG and Hoops to tell them about the drama!

The motions of thy emotions

Emotions have been running pretty wild this past week and in the midst of down right depression I have had fleeting moments of happiness.

Been doing a lot of soul searching lately
Old fears creeping back into my mind
Learning about my self,
Things I can do and things which leave me a crumpled mess on the floor
I have learnt
That there is an ugliness inside of me
That I can be spiteful
Hidden in the darkness - usually content to be there
But once in a while breaking out
Shocking me
Scaring me
Some thing I need to work on
To remove the anger and the hatred
To remove those thoughts that run through my head
The ones which make me says things which I wish I never did
Words which shatter relationships
I also encountered one of my weaknesses
Some thing which had held on to me for over two months
Not willing to admit it and not willing to ask for help
It was easy to zone out that to actually deal with the situations
But I also learnt that I have friends who look out for me
Who look past the smile plastered on my face
And tell me “We need to talk”
I’ve learnt you need to put aside pride and ask for help
I’ve been happy
Sad
Frustrated
Hurt
Lonely
Homesick
Loved

Inspiration or plagarism

India churns out highest number of movies every year in the whole world. However most of them are blatantly copied from other movies. Some of them just take some inspiration and some of them are simply a remake and some even go to the extent of copying the original movie scene-by-scene.

Is being a director in India a tough job, hell no - just watch an english movie, convert it into hindi, add some music and you have got yourself a movie.

These people need to be sued. A couple of cases have been taken up but to my knowledge nothing really has happen. Sony is currently in the process of sueing Ero's for plagarizing the movie hitch (the hindi remake was - Partner)

So next time you are watching a hindi flick, you probably have paid to watch a film you have already seen.
Hindi movie ...........English movie it is based on
Naksha.......... The Rundown
The Killer....... Collateral
Krrish.......... Paycheck
Mr Ya Miss ............Hot Chick
Sauda - The Deal............. Indecent Proposal
Salaam Namaste............... Nine Months
Koi... Mil Gaya.............. E.T. & Forrest Gump
Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai........... My Best Friends Wedding
Hari Puttar ......................Home alone (you thought Harry Potter dint you!)

Hidden within the shadows of night

Walking back home, late at night, it gives me time to think, contemplate the situation around me. Makes me observe what one usually gives no second thought.

I watched my shadow tonight

I know its mine

Looks like me, imitates my every move

But not my emotions

I walk with tears streaming down my face

But my shadow just goes on its normal way

I stare at the dark image of my head

Staring into the ground with such intensity

Hoping to peer in the darkness and see what I feel

But my shadow - says nothing, does nothing, feels nothing

This post does not make any sense, I am not making any sense, good night!

flowing emotions

Time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much

Words from unchained melody (really nice song I must add) Not that the lyrics have much to do with the post today. I was thinking about how fast time flies. We are in March already – it seems like yesterday that I was sitting with IG, Papa Ramero, P Diddy and Blondie at TGIF. But now we are all back into our corners of the world and reality is back in my face.

Last Thursday this time I was pretty depressed. Actually bawling my eyes out and gasping for breath would be a more apt description. The week has gone by. Gone by quickly and slowly at the same time. Does that make sense?

The days have gone by quick, I guess that’s thanks to the running around and organizing I’ve been doing for the event on Saturday but the thinking / pondering / analyzing / contemplating I have been doing has made the week seem like a month.

Talking to P Diddy this morning I came up with another insight. Been doing a lot of that lately.
I don’t care a DAM what you think
I don’t care whether you like or hate me
I don’t care if you think I am the cause for every single thing going wrong
I don’t care if you think I am not good enough

You know why?
Because it’s your thoughts! Your view, your ideas, your issue!!

And I’ve stopped caring. I have stopped being scared. Stopped fearing some thing which is not true. You tried – you tried to break me, you convinced me I was no good.
Hell you convinced me that if any thing happened to ‘A’ it would be my fault.
That if death were to come knocking on the door – he would be thanking me for the referral!

You know what you almost got away with it. You pushed me, criticized me, belittled me till I looked at my self and felt disgusted. I was never good enough for any thing – never strong enough for any thing!

But today I stand up, because honestly you’re full of shit and you know it!

So you can push me all you like
Try to do what ever makes you feel happy
But I am going to stand my ground
I might have tears running down my face, my voice might me trembling but I am NOT standing down

Catharsis

I write this, not just as a post, but more as a personal catharsis. This form of writing is very different for me and may be by splitting up what I am going through makes accepting it a little easier. It’s not my best work, but it’s a release for me. It was written some time back, so dont think I am out of sync right now!

Does the heart rule the mind? Or does the mind rule the heart?

Mind
The heart convinced me (the mind) that the relationship was worth it. That no matter how many clues stood right in front of me I choose to ignore them. Until I had had enough and told the heart in pretty simple terms to bugger off.
But the heart once in a while gets center stage and floods me with emotions; making me ponder on the past that was never meant to be the future.

I decided that today I would be the controlling figure.

Taking center stage I announce to the rest of the body “Listen up and listen good! The feelings are some thing of the past; they no longer play a part in today’s situation. That is the stand we are taking and every one will help in projecting that.
Feet: you shall no longer walk for miles just to make sure he gets some thing to put a smile on his face
Arms: you shall no longer be there to hold his tired body
Eyes: you shall no longer scan his face to make sure he is ok
We will not watch him walk away.
We will not let even the slightest touch have any physiological effect on us
Are we clear?”

Heart
“I can’t deal with it. I can’t be expected to just shut down and ignore him. I am expected to look right through him. Always living on others expectations. I don’t think I can do this any more. I crushed what ever I felt, what ever I had so that he would not be hurt. But there is only that much you can crush down. And now he is with some one and I should be happy, but I am sad, not that he not with me, but the fact that he cannot look into my face. He can’t even bare being alone with me. We don’t talk and now even the simple hello is so strained!”

Body
“The emptiness is enveloping me. I feel hollow; this vacuum has been created within. Breathing is difficult and controlling the tears even more.”

What a way to start the week !

Its 11:21 am - Monday morning and seeing how the morning was I hope the week is not following the same route.

Had to drag my self out of bed today, not that I had a really late night sunday (was in bed at 9:30) but yeah it was warm and cozy in my bed.


Sitting and reading a blog this morning and suddenly felt some thing fall on my head. Shook my head and looked up to see if the roof was crumbling... nope... then looked around to see if B or some else had walked in and tried grabbing my attention ...nope...

Look on the floor to see, what knocked me on my head.... and look down at my chest and there is a lizard staring back at me !


This thing had falled off the roof, landed on my head and then when I shook my head, landed on my sweater and had been staring at me for a few minutes.


Hysterical screaming, jerky movements and watery eyes.... I dont like lizards