The X factor

The past hour I have spent reading through old emails between me and my ex's. The fact that my last post about an hour ago stated I was extremly happy still remains. Reading these old emails, does not make me sad or depressed, but reminds me of what I have been through, people I hurt, people who hurt me and what not to do in a certain situation.

I have been in a total of 3 serious relationships. Each one so different...
X no. 1 - childhood sweethearts... I dont think we ever went through the phase of 'boys/girls have cooties'. We liked each other and really dint care a dam. But then he moved away, and we both changed.. and it was never the same again... maybe just maybe if he stayed, we would still be together..

X no 2. - I learnt alot from this relationship, however on and off it was... I realized I could be quite bitch... I knew what to say and do... and how to get him where I wanted and then to walk away leaving him hanging. When I go through my memories I realize what shit I put him through, yet he still remained in my life. I have to thank him for that... he made me see what I could be and I just hope I am not like that with any one else.

X no. 3 - ah this one is a real goodie... my first experience with a smooth talking, sweeping you off your feet boy... he knew what to say, to make me go weak in the knees. Singing 'lucky lips' for me, talking to him until I fell asleep.. this boy captured me. And what ever doubts I had, he just slowly rubbed them away. And then he walked away. I never cried for boy 1 or 2. It was a mutual understanding and realized that friendship was the way to be.

But ah! boy no. 3 - he made me cry - when I lost him and when I found out why I lost him. Going to bed was a nightmare, cos when the lights were off and there were no distractions the thoughts came tumbling back and I felt my heart hurt, I could not breathe - all because of this boy. I should probably hate him... cut him out of my life... but you know what I still care for him... cant help it... he was a friend... but no longer is he in the main window of my life.. some where in the background he lies... and when the night is silent and the moon dark he manages to evoke some memories, with out being around.